Women, Marriage and Prosperity

Why Poor Women Have A Harder Time Rejecting Marriage

Over the past several years, many Americans have seen their dreams put on hold. Individuals within our society often struggle just to keep afloat, despite the many things that weigh them down. Unfortunately for women, marriage, or rather, the lack thereof, has become one such weight.

It would be nice if love was the only factor in the modern marriage game, but unfortunately it is not. For women especially, socioeconomic status plays a huge role in whether or not a marriage will occur and why. Let me explain.

Sarah and Mary

Let's consider two women on opposite ends of the income ladder, Mary and Sarah. Mary is a successful lawyer who lives comfortably in a spacious Manhattan condo. Sarah is a single mother of two who works at a fast food restaurant and at a Walmart. Despite their hectic lives, both women fall in love. As her relationship gets more serious, Mary begins to contemplate marriage. She considers whether or not binding herself to a man will restrict her independence, slow her career progression or contribute in some way to a male dominated world. As Sarah contemplates marriage, she thinks of raising her two children on two incomes rather than one. For Sarah, the prospect of marriage could mean not having to worry about going to bed hungry.

Both women are in love, but their relative needs are quite different. The wealthy Mary has the privilege of considering marriage in an abstract way, and wondering how it may affect her future lifestyle. Mary has a lot of power in deciding whether or not to get married. Struggling Sarah on the other hand, sees marriage as a question of love, but also one of opportunity. Sarah's decision on whether to marry has an immediate and tangible affect on her own lifestyle and on that of her children. Effectively, she has less power.

Now of course, Sarah and Mary are completely made up. But their stories parallel the reality of being a woman in America. Without using a value-judgment, the fact remains that married women tend to have brighter economic outcomes than unmarried women. And for women floating around the poverty line, this matters a lot.

Compare the top line to the bottom line: married working woman vs. unmarried working woman. Think back to struggling Sarah and imagine the improvement in her life and her children's lives if she moves from the red line to the green line. Mary, who is already floating above the green line, does not care.

Judgment Free Reality

My goal here is not to claim that poor women should get married or that men should rescue women from their sad lives. These numbers are in many ways representative of the persistent and unfair gaps in pay between men and women. But regardless of how fair or unfair these numbers are, they are reality. Sure we can and should work to make changes here, but for right now, marriage is an important predictor in lifestyle.

When I said judgment free I lied, I do have one judgment before I close. Our society always teaches young girls to want marriage and to hope for it. Girls dream about their wedding days and plan them out for years. But what about young boys? Our society never tells boys that love is important. We teach boys to follow their dreams and make big changes in the world with their careers. For boys, love is taught to be an afterthought. Perhaps this is the real problem. 

Love in the Urban, Modern World

Love vs. Economic Opportunity

In my posts I tend to focus a lot on the technical aspects of urban planning, but it is important to think about how our increasingly urban society actually effects us as people. Over the last 50 years we have become both more urban and more mobile; this can often present unique challenges to people in serious relationships, especially when children are involved. There was a time not so many years ago when men were expected to bring home all of the income for a family and things were less complicated as a result. If a job opportunity presented itself far from home, the man would take it and his wife and kids would follow. While moving around like this would still effect the family, the effects have become even greater today as more and more relationships are composed of two income-earners.

We are Increasingly Mobile People

Now more than ever before, Americans are likely to have a variety of jobs between the beginning and end of their careers. According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the average person can now expect to have between 12 and 15 jobs in their lifetime. These jobs could all be in the same area, but that seems unlikely. It has also become much harder to find a stable job over the last ten years, which makes it harder for a person to turn down the opportunity to relocate for a new position. The Census Bureau estimates that after age 18, the average American will move 9 times. 

How Love Fits In

Imagine this. You are an eager college graduate ready to take the best job that you can find. You find one job that you are happy with but you know that every few years you will need to move to a totally new area and that you will have to do lots of traveling. This sounds like a great opportunity and you have always wanted to travel. It would be so easy for you to move from place to place and you are excited about the prospects of seeing the world.

But not so fast. Your significant other, also a recent grad, has a similar opportunity with a different company. Now what?

In 1950 the answer to this question would have been easy; the situation surrounding it would be in all likelihood very different. A man would have this great opportunity and he might already be engaged or married after college to a woman who he would expect to bear children and stay at home. The man would have taken the job and his wife or girlfriend would have followed.

But now that women and men have the same (hopefully) opportunities in the workforce, this is so much more complicated. Not to mention the fact that there are so many new relationships that were not acknowledged years ago. We could be talking about a homosexual pair or a pair with a large age gap. The world is no longer so black and white. 

Now What?

Right so it is extremely complicated. Both people have the opportunity to take jobs in different cities and both people want to focus on their careers. One person could follow the other, but they would likely have to give up some of their career opportunities. Many couples try to avoid this problem, but it is almost bound to come up at some point when the world has become so mobile.

In this situation you have a variety of choices, none of which are clearly better than the others and each requires a lot of sacrifice. You could both take the jobs and enter into a long-distance relationship or break up. You could try to prioritize careers by who will make the most money (what a depressing conversation). Or you could both skip out on your offers and continue to search for jobs in the same area. 

It comes down to a very dreary choice: for love or prosperity? There are many cases where you can end up with both, but you will have to make a leap of faith in one direction or another and hope that the other part will follow. No matter what choices are made, there is ample opportunity for resentment either of one's partner or of one's career. 

As of now, I cannot think of an efficient or reasonable solution to this modern love problem.